Unscripted

That time, I was head over heels with Julie. Our 13 months together was not free of the hurly burly of relationships, yet losing her was the last thing I ever wanted to happen. On our 5th month, I sensed that she was seeing another guy--which she would not admit. I kept the pain to myself, thinking that would make her stay. But there was no stopping her. She wanted space, distant enough not to hear my heart beat.

Two months after, I was still restless. I looked for her, and before Christmas we were dating again. It didn't matter if she did me wrong. All I knew was that I love her, and being back in her arms was the happiest feeling ever. From then on, love was in bloom again.

Then I met Templar, the guru: All you need is love and an instruction manual for what to do once you've found it. Geeeez! I should have found this book long ago! With a guide like The Rules of Love (subtitle: a personal code for happier, more fulfilling relationships), I wouldn't have gone to such emotional wreck, for the Rules would lead me "how to get it right and make it last and keep it fresh".

Every night, I would look at the dedication Julie wrote on the title page, then check one or two rules to contemplate on. I wrote my own insights in small Post It notes and tucked them between the pages. I also quoted some lines for six of my friends who eventually became my "subscribers", but later I had to stop sending Chris the quotes. He didn’t like the whole concept. To him, love should spontaneously work its magic without being bound by conditions--and of all things, rules. But love has its complications, Templar argues, because people are complicated. The rules he compiled, anyway, are just reminders in order to be better at loving people and being loved better in return.

I was afraid I’d been caught in another meaningless do-this-do-that-not-this-and-that list and end up still dumb and confused. Wrong. The explanations were so cunningly written; the words pinched, kicked, and enlightened me.

There are rules where I did well. Choose someone who makes you laugh. That's Julie. We laughed at almost anything from silly jokes to wrong pronunciations. One time, I asked her about a mall's landscaping, "I wonder what this plant is." She blurted out, "Eggplant." "And what is that grass called?" "Grasshopper." And that night, we killed ourselves in the stomach.

Put each other first. Be part of their life. Yes, I loved Julie as though she was part of me. On Valentine's Day, I gave her a scrapbook declaring a hundred reasons why I love her. (She surprised me back with a cute cuddler.) Knowing that she appreciates architecture, I showed her around art exhibits and toured her to Greenbelt. I went out with her friends, surprised her in school, cooked her dinner, and on and on. Love never ran out of thoughtfulness.

Reading the Rules taught me patience, compassion—and sacrifice. Look at your own faults. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Often, Julie and I would argue about her being too busy, her not answering my calls, and her being consistently late. Many times I would fret, for she seems not to change her bad habits. But the Rules advise: Be tolerant of the little quirks and foibles of your partner. Given the time, she would choose to spend it with you, but can’t you see she’s just got a lot of plates to finish that she needs to overstay in school and confine herself at home with her drafting table?

You can't change people. You don't even have to try to. If you can't live with your partner's bad habits, don't get involved. You're looking for someone whose irritating habits are worth putting up with, not someone you can mold to your personal requirements. If you can’t take her for all she is, vanish. (Anong magagawa ko eh love ko siya.)

And one of the rules where I fared badly? Don't try to be their parent. My intention to show Julie that I care for her was overblown. She must have felt I was treating her like a child, instead of a mature person who can run her own life. I pampered her in every way I can, not wanting her to feel insufficient, insecure, and uncared for, yet cautious not to choreograph her moves. Still, I ended up being an overprotective doting father telling her to eat meals, take vitamins, go home straight from school, and charge her cell phone. That was unavoidable. I am older by seven years. I am the one who earns a living. And that was how I imagine love to be.

The happy days didn't last long, for Julie acted strange again after a few months. She cancelled meetings often, became more exhausted and more silent. Worse, she started telling lies to me. Though troubled, I gave her more time and attention. I studied the Rules harder and sought counselling from close friends. But when I had summoned all my patience to understand her excuses for everything, frustration crept in--and I broke out.

The biggest flop was trust. If you can't trust them, you haven't got a relationship. I knew from the start that sooner or later, I would have to deal with trust issues. And it came so soon. Barely three months after we got reunited, I got hints that Julie was having other affairs again. I became paranoid. Having been cheated in the past, I was left wondering what else she wasn't entirely honest about.

Don’t lie. Don’t doubt. Still, I took her word and did not jump to conclusions. I was able to live with the turn of events, and hoped that Julie would finally see how much I love her. There was undying hope that one day, after eight months of not hearing it, she would tell me "I love you" again.

That day never came. In August, reading the Rules became torture. I stopped. While I was beating myself hard to make the relationship work, being made to believe that I was special, Julie was busy jumping from one relationship to another. I decided to cut loose. The last night we met, I still told Julie that I love her. We both broke into tears and parted ways, silently understanding that love and lies cannot mix.

I hardly learned my lessons. I loved the wrong way, but it was bliss. That was love as my heart knew it. Love that grew even where it was most barren, and bloomed even when it was most unwanted.

Now, I have finished reading the book. My experience has shed meaning to more rules, and I am more convinced that they are essential to relationships. I have also started reading Nichomachean Ethics--thanks to Ian--and I learned that thousands of years back, rules on friendship and relationship have already been formulated.

In its own time, love will find me again. I will hold on to the book's promise that somewhere out there is someone who wants exactly the kind of person I am, complete with all the flaws and failings I come with. Perhaps, my journey would bring me to another time like that day I found the book among thousands in the shelves. A love at first sight.

Photo Credits: GraceMarie Photography (http://www.flickr.com/photos/silentstories/3152941018/)